Antic querying book stories

Having sold books in retail over the hundred years from 1991 to 1999, I am the most natural among fans of Jen

Jen Campbell, author of Weird Things Customers Say In Bookshops, pictured in Ripping Yarns bookshop. “I think the worst thing that has happened was when a drunk man came in and was sick all over the counter.” - Ham & High

Campbell, writer and London antiquarian bookseller, whose blog posts on Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops, to which other booksellers the world over added their own customers' cris sans clue in I-am-SPARTACVS cross-nailed solidarity, have just been published as a book.

Campbell was on Open Book with Mariella Frostrup on BBC Radio 4 on March 25 (after 17:00).

Just when I think I cannot possibly fall backward one more time, drawn-in motion lines included, after a character from a final punch-line panel out of Bazooka Joe and His Gang®* 

*"Call me Mort" will be the opening line of my graphic novel, once I, a Method artist in every Medium however Large or Small, can get my red turtleneck to skirt nostril level

Campbell's customers continue to prove me wrong in the becoming innovations in their - socially-networked, I am beginning to think - deficit of clues.

For the best sort of Internet mental health break - whose chief value may lie in finding confirmed, circumstance willing, the comparatively wholesome state of your own cognitive hygiene - see the highlights below from a Christmas 2011 installment of Campbell's blog and UK press notices of her book, chockablock with unwritten forehead-smacks and head-desks. I can attest to the frightening kinship between her examples and mine, as I commence to regret my past failures to so transcribe:

Customer: I'd like a book for a friend, about saving the world from alien invasion. I'd like the main character to be a little like Freddie Mercury and a little like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Customer: Do you still have that thing that was in your window? It was pink and fluffy.
Me: A book?  
Customer: No, it was a dog toy, I think - with a lead.
Me: Yeah, I think that was probably in the vet and pet store's window, two doors down. 

Customer: Do you have 'Windows 7 for Dummies'?
Me: Sorry, we're an antiquarian bookshop; nearly everything in here pre-dates computers.
Customer: Oh. Do you have user guide for antiquarian computers? You know from, like, the olden days, when they had swords and stuff?  
Me: ...?

Customer: Excuse me. Do you sell snow?
Me *thinking I've misheard*: Sorry. Snow?
Customer: Yes. SNOW.
Me: .... no. No we don't.

Customer: Do you have, like, a Christmas book about that, like, really famous baby?

a customer reading a book about the nativity.
Customer *to her friend*: Don't you ever get the feeling that Baby Jesus is somehow related to Herod? I always think that he's going to go: 'JESUS. I AM YOUR FATHER.'

Customer: Do you have a vending machine in here? 

Customer: Do you think you could post this book to America for me, in time for Christmas?
Me: Yes. I'm sure we could. I'll just get the scales and I can work out postage costs for you. 
Customer: You expect me to pay for the postage as well? I'm already paying for the book!
Me: ... 

the real Mr Scrooge...
Customer: I'd like a Christmas book, about Christmas, that doesn't have anything to do with snow, or robins, or snowmen, or Jesus, or holly.
Me: ... right.
Customer: And no bloody carols, either!

Customer: Do you have any cards?
Me: We have some old postcards in a box by the door. Some of them have already been written on, though.
Customer: Oh, do you have one that says 'To Juliette, with love from Christine'? It would save me writing it out again, you see.

Child *to me*: Does Santa come to your bookshop to get gifts for kids? 
Me *nodding wisely*: Yes. Yes. He absolutely does. 
Child: That's awesome!
Me: Yes, it is.
Child: But...
Me: But what?
Child: But... Santa's really fat. I don't think he could squeeze through the gaps in the bookshelves.
Me: It's ok. He sends us a list before hand, and we leave the books by the door.
Child: That makes you Santa's elf!
Me: Yes... yes, I suppose it does.

Financial Times:

Customer: Do you have a copy of Nineteen Eighty-Six?
Bookseller: Nineteen Eighty-Six?
Customer: Yeah, Orwell.
Bookseller: Oh – Nineteen Eighty-Four.
Customer: No, I’m sure it’s Nineteen Eighty-Six; I’ve always remembered it because it’s the year I was born.

Customer (pointing at Perdido Street Station by China Miéville): Excuse me, how do you pronounce this writer’s name?
Bookseller: Well, I’ve heard people say Mee-ville, but I think, because of the accent, it’s Me-eh-vllle.
Customer: No, I mean his first name.
Bookseller: Well, it’s, China – like the country.
Customer: The country?

Daily Mail:

Bookseller: Can I help?
Customer: Yes, where’s your fiction section?
Bookseller: It starts over on the far wall. Are you looking for anything in particular?
Customer: Yes, any books by Stefan Browning.
Bookseller: I’m not familiar with him, what kind of books has he written?
Customer: I don’t know if he’s written any. You see, my name’s Stefan Browning and I always like to go into bookshops to see if anyone with my name has written a book.

Customer: I don’t know why she wants it, but my wife asked for a copy of the Dinosaur Cookbook.
Bookseller: The Dinah Shore Cookbook?
Customer: That must be it; I wondered what she was up to.


Do you stock Nigella Lawson under ‘Sex’ or ‘Cookery’?

Do you have a book that has a list of aphrodisiacs? I’ve got a date on Friday.

So . . . this Kindle. Are the books on that paperback or hardback?

I read a book in the Sixties. I don’t remember the author, or the title. But it was green, and it made me laugh. Do you know which one I mean?

Do you have any books by Jane Eyre?

Do you have any crime books involving speeding fines?

Do you have any books in this shade of green, to match the wrapping paper I bought?

Do you have any pop-up books on sex education?

Did Charles Dickens ever write anything fun?

You know how they say that if you gave 1,000 monkeys typewriters, then they’d eventually churn out really good writing? Well, do you have any books by those monkeys?

I’m just going to nip to the supermarket. I’m going to leave my sons here, is that OK? They’re three and five. They’re no bother.

If my daughter wants to buy books from the teenage section, do you need to see some ID? It was her 13th birthday this weekend. I can show you the pictures of the cake. You can count the candles.

Customer: Do you have any medical textbooks?
Bookseller: Sorry, no. They go out of date so quickly we don’t stock them, but I can order one in for you.
Customer: I’m not worried about it being in date.
Bookseller: Does your university not request you have a specific edition?
Customer: Oh, I’m not a medical student. I just want to learn how to do stitches.
Bookseller: …Right.
Customer: Do you have a book on sewing instead?

Customer: Do you have any books signed by Margaret Atwood?
Bookseller: We have many Margaret Atwood books, but I’m afraid we don’t have any signed copies.
Customer: I’m looking for a birthday present for my wife. I know she’s really love a signed copy. You couldn’t fake a signature could you?

Customer: I’m looking for a biography to read that’s really interesting. Could you recommend one?
Bookseller: Sure. What books have you read and liked?
Customer: Well, I really loved Mein Kampf ... ‘Loved’ is probably not the right word.
Bookseller: No. Probably not.
Customer: ‘Liked’ is probably better. Yes. ‘Liked’. I liked it a lot.

Do you have a book which lists the weather forecast for the rest of the year?

(Holding up a Jamie Oliver cookbook) Would you mind if I photocopied this recipe?

Is this book edible?

Customer: Excuse me, do you have any signed copies of Shakespeare plays?
Bookseller: Do you mean by the people who performed the play?
Customer: No, I mean signed by William Shakespeare.

Customer: Do you have a copy of Jane Eyre?
Bookseller: Actually, I just sold it this morning, sorry!
Customer: Oh. Have you read it?
Bookseller: Yes, it’s one of my favourite books.
Customer: Oh, great (sits down). Could you tell me all about it? I have to write an essay on it.

Customer: Do you have any security cameras in here?
Bookseller: Yes.
Customer: Oh (customer slides a book out from inside his jacket and places it back on the shelf).

Do you have any piano sheet music, but for guitars?

Customer: Have you read every single book in here?
Bookseller: No, I can’t say I have.
Customer: Well you’re not very good at your job, are you?

I’m looking for a book about this big (indicates size). I’ve got a space on my bookshelf and I need to fill it. It’s really bugging me.

Customer: Where do you keep your maps?
Bookseller: Over here, what kind of map are you looking for? A country, the UK, Europe, a world map?
Customer: I want a map of the sun.

Where do you keep Hamlet? You know ‘to be or not to be?’ Is it in philosophy?

I’ve been looking through your geography section — I can’t find any books on Atlantis.

What books could I buy to make guests look at my bookshelf and think: ‘Wow, that guy’s intelligent?’

Do you have any Robin Hood stories where he doesn’t steal from the rich? My husband’s called Robin and I’d like to buy him one for his birthday, but he’s a banker, so...

Do you sell reading books? You know, books you can read?

Customer: I’m always on the night-shift at work.
Bookseller (jokingly): Is that why you’re buying so many vampire novels?
Customer (seriously): You can never be too prepared.

I’ve searched your Shakespeare section high and low, and I can’t find Of Mice And Men anywhere.

If I were to meet the love of my life in a bookshop, what section do you think they would be standing in?

Customer: Hi, have you seen my wife in here?
Bookseller: Erm, I have lots of wives in here, what does yours look like?
Customer: She’s let herself go a bit, is short and her roots are showing.

Customer: I want to buy a book for my mother. She likes Danielle Steel.
Bookseller: Here she is, under ‘S’ for Steel.
Customer: Well, I don’t know which ones she’s already read … do you?

Do you have this children’s book I’ve heard about? It’s supposed to be very good. It’s called Lionel Richie And The Wardrobe.