Bennies from Heaven

The Truth About Benny Hill


By Andrew Collins, Sabotage Times


He was Britain’s greatest comic export. In 1990, The Benny Hill Show was on in 97 countries around the world, although not, ironically, the UK, and his famous fans included Michael Jackson, Clint Eastwood, Frank Sinatra and Charlie Chaplin. Now, almost a decade after his death, discover the surprising truth behind about the comedian including his penchant for prostitutes, addiction to amphetamines and reluctance to spend a penny of his £7.5million fortune.


... All work and no play made Ben a dull boy. But was he turning gay? Before the war, he’d done a show with some gay dancers who’d asked him outright if he was “queer”. Not understanding the question, he replied, “Not really, but I’ve got my funny little ways . . .”


... Benny often took ladyfriends away with him on foreign trips, but they were usually disappointed that his idea of a perfect night in Paris would involve sitting in the hotel room watching French TV in search of comedy ideas.


... “A slob at home”, according to [Hill's longtime producer and close friend Dennis] Kirkland, his apartment at Fairwater House was characterised by an unmade bed, dirty dishes, and heaps of paper everywhere (Benny was a constant scribbler of ideas on the backs of fag packets and napkins, and frequently submitted TV scripts scrawled on the cardboard inserts you get with hotel-laundered shirts). This was not a place you might invite young ladies back to.

Kirkland would say, “Why do you throw all your clothes on the floor?” Hill would reply, “Because they won’t stick to the ceiling.”


... The double-entendres were there from the start, and Benny soon earned a “ribald reputation”. In 1952, compering The Centre Show (filmed at the Nuffield Centre servicemen’s club), he ran into trouble with a gag involving the football pools and Scotland Yard’s well-known phone number, Whitehall 1212: “A football coupon was lost last night in Chelsea. Will anyone who finds it please contact Scotland Yard, telephone Whitehall home-away, home-away.” A home win was worth one point, an away win two points – geddit? The services entertainment unit, Department AG3 didn’t. They thought he’d said “Homo-way, homo-way”, thereby insinuating that Whitehall was full of homosexuals, and – the TFI Friday of its day – the show’s script was thenceforth checked and censored for such offensive fripperies.


... It was not nerves, but fear of flab that led Benny Hill to start popping amphetamines in the early 70s, prescribed as appetite-depressants. The effects of his out-of-control speed habit characterised location filming in the early 70s, where the lure of the catering truck would have Benny gobbling the pills at seven in the morning and “running at 400mph”, as Kirkland unhappily remembers it. In 1976, he had his kidney out (“the tumour was benign, it used to smile a lot,” he joked), and it’s likely this was as a result of liquid retention caused by the speed.


And we all thought those chase sequences at the end of The Benny Hill Show were done with a speeded-up camera.


Nicking all the cakes during tea breaks and pretending to wander off, deep in thought, while he scoffed them all is not a happy image of Benny Hill to take away with us. He was only 16 and a half stone (his brother Leonard was 23 and a half when he died), but the belly which made him our “cuddly, lovable, roly-poly funnyman” bothered him greatly. This did not sit well with his love of fine food and fancy restaurants (“I have plenty of will power, but not a lot of won’t power”). Incidentally, there was no disorder to his eating: his habit was to methodically consume each item on his plate individually – all the mushrooms first, then the spuds, then the steak and so on.


... Some rum Benny Hill lines


As Tommy Tupper, chat show host: “Did you hear about the actress who was so dumb, she couldn’t count to two without taking off her blouse?”


As Mr Chow Mein, comedy Chinaman, going through British Immigration: “I have my beliefs.”


Immigration Officer: “Ah, your beliefs. Buddha.”


Chow Mein: “No! No Buddha, no sugar. Just my beliefs!” (He holds up his briefs)


Singing mock-’60s ballad, My Garden Of Love: “There’s beetroot for the day you said you’d be-true-to me/And a sweet pea for the sweet way you always used to . . . smile at me.”


... As Mervin, hellraising stage actor: “They were practising witchcraft, and not just lady witches, they had men 
witches . . .”


Interviewer: “Warlocks.”


Mervin: “It’s true, I tell you!”


Reading from showbiz diary: “Went to showbiz party. Met Jim Davidson, a fine comedian and a gentleman. Talked to all three of them.”




As quoted in a blog post of mine from 2005, Benny of the Jest, Troubadour of Tristesse, excerpts from "What a World":


Now three old maids had a she-cat,
Kept her indoors night and day,
Kept her away from the he-cats,
Thought she’d like it better that way,
Then one old maid went and got married,
The next morning she hastened to write,
A note to the others which simply said,
“Let kitty out tonight.”


What a world, (what a world) what a place, (what a place)
Ain’t you glad you’re a member of the human race.


Now the button was pressed, the world destroyed
Leaving just one solitary man,
And at the top of the Empire State Building
His lonely existance began,
But his loneliness was too much so he jumped
And he fell like a bird with one wing,
And as he passed the seventh floor,
He heard the telephone ring.


What a world, (what a world) what a place, (what a place)
Ain’t you glad you’re a member of the human race.


As I reformatted this post, BBC 6 Music commenced to play "Ernie, the Fastest Milkman in the West", Hill's signature tune and biggest hit, which, written in 1955 by Hill as the introduction to an unfilmed screenplay about his early days driving a milk wagon, went on to hold the #1 position on the UK singles charts for four weeks round Christmas 1971: