Reruns from Raj
Do the needful. - from Subject line of a recent piece of spam.
"Do one thing ... take this piece of chalk ..."
10 classic Indianisms: 'Doing the needful' and more
How to fix grammatically insane phrases found in common Indian English
By Daniel DMello
We are a unique species, aren’t we? Not humans. Indians, I mean. No other race speaks or spells like we do.
Take greetings for example.
A friendly clerk asking me for my name is apt to start a conversation with, “What is your good name?” As if I hold that sort of information close to my heart and only divulge my evil pseudonym. Bizarre.
I call these Indianisms.
Which got me thinking about a compilation, a greatest hits of the most hilarious Indianisms out there. And here they are. The most common ones, and my favorites among them.
... 2. 'Kindly revert'
One common mistake we make is using the word revert to mean reply or respond.
Revert means "to return to a former state."
I can’t help thinking of a sarcastic answer every time this comes up.
“Please revert at the earliest.”
“Sure, I’ll set my biological clock to regress evolutionarily to my original primitive hydrocarbon state at 1 p.m. today."
... 4. 'Doing the needful'
Try to avoid using the phrase "do the needful." It went out of style decades ago, about the time the British left.
Using it today indicates you are a dinosaur, a dinosaur with bad grammar.
You may use the phrase humorously, to poke fun at such archaic speech, or other dinosaurs.
“Will you do the needful?”
“Of course, and I’ll send you a telegram to let you know it's done too.”
... 7. 'Do one thing'
When someone approaches you with a query, and your reply begins with the phrase "do one thing," you're doing it wrong.
"Do one thing" is a phrase that does not make sense.
It is an Indianism. It is only understood in India. It is not proper English. It is irritating.
There are better ways to begin a reply. And worst of all, any person who starts a sentence with "do one thing" invariably ends up giving you at least five things to do.
“My computer keeps getting hung.”
“Do one thing. Clear your history. Delete your cookies. Defrag your hardrive. Run a virus check. Restart your computer... .”
"Myself Raju and this is my missus, Kavita. She really eats my brains sometimes. Especially when I don't take rest."
'Eat my head': 10 more classic Indianisms
Readers contribute to a continuing compilation of grammatically insane, or just plain odd, phrases in common Indian English
By Daniel DMello
To June’s article on classic Indianisms you could add dozens more hilarious -- or extremely irritating -- common grammatical mistakes that flavor the way we communicate in both spoken and written English in India.
The last time I wrote something like this I was accused of writing a "BURGEIOUS article" (sic), and being as funny as a "Germen funeral" (sic). Whatever those are. (*Sigh* I love comments.)
But hear ye, hear ye, all ye genuine geniuses. The word is grammar, not "grammer."
This time, I’ve featured 10 Indianisms contributed by readers.
Comments welcome. But please, remember to use spell check. And proceed with care.
1. Only
"He kicked the ball like that only."
Like there was any doubt about the way he did it.
"I’m here only."
As opposed to just being "here"?
"Only" is the least lonely and most overused word in Indian English...
... 6. Would be
"I would be coming for the meeting in Malad." [via superstar]
“Would you also care to purchase a copy of "English Grammar for Dummies" on your way?”
It should be "will be", not "would be."
No reason to switch the two, even to sound polite.
... 9. Don’t eat my brains
One of those colloquialisms we love to use in times of irritation.
"Eat my head" is another variation.
While your dietary choices are your own, I would like to point out that Mumbai has some excellent goat brain on offer, should you decide not to take up the challenge above ...
"Do one thing ... take this piece of chalk ..."
10 classic Indianisms: 'Doing the needful' and more
How to fix grammatically insane phrases found in common Indian English
By Daniel DMello
We are a unique species, aren’t we? Not humans. Indians, I mean. No other race speaks or spells like we do.
Take greetings for example.
A friendly clerk asking me for my name is apt to start a conversation with, “What is your good name?” As if I hold that sort of information close to my heart and only divulge my evil pseudonym. Bizarre.
I call these Indianisms.
Which got me thinking about a compilation, a greatest hits of the most hilarious Indianisms out there. And here they are. The most common ones, and my favorites among them.
... 2. 'Kindly revert'
One common mistake we make is using the word revert to mean reply or respond.
Revert means "to return to a former state."
I can’t help thinking of a sarcastic answer every time this comes up.
“Please revert at the earliest.”
“Sure, I’ll set my biological clock to regress evolutionarily to my original primitive hydrocarbon state at 1 p.m. today."
... 4. 'Doing the needful'
Try to avoid using the phrase "do the needful." It went out of style decades ago, about the time the British left.
Using it today indicates you are a dinosaur, a dinosaur with bad grammar.
You may use the phrase humorously, to poke fun at such archaic speech, or other dinosaurs.
“Will you do the needful?”
“Of course, and I’ll send you a telegram to let you know it's done too.”
... 7. 'Do one thing'
When someone approaches you with a query, and your reply begins with the phrase "do one thing," you're doing it wrong.
"Do one thing" is a phrase that does not make sense.
It is an Indianism. It is only understood in India. It is not proper English. It is irritating.
There are better ways to begin a reply. And worst of all, any person who starts a sentence with "do one thing" invariably ends up giving you at least five things to do.
“My computer keeps getting hung.”
“Do one thing. Clear your history. Delete your cookies. Defrag your hardrive. Run a virus check. Restart your computer... .”
"Myself Raju and this is my missus, Kavita. She really eats my brains sometimes. Especially when I don't take rest."
'Eat my head': 10 more classic Indianisms
Readers contribute to a continuing compilation of grammatically insane, or just plain odd, phrases in common Indian English
By Daniel DMello
To June’s article on classic Indianisms you could add dozens more hilarious -- or extremely irritating -- common grammatical mistakes that flavor the way we communicate in both spoken and written English in India.
The last time I wrote something like this I was accused of writing a "BURGEIOUS article" (sic), and being as funny as a "Germen funeral" (sic). Whatever those are. (*Sigh* I love comments.)
But hear ye, hear ye, all ye genuine geniuses. The word is grammar, not "grammer."
This time, I’ve featured 10 Indianisms contributed by readers.
Comments welcome. But please, remember to use spell check. And proceed with care.
1. Only
"He kicked the ball like that only."
Like there was any doubt about the way he did it.
"I’m here only."
As opposed to just being "here"?
"Only" is the least lonely and most overused word in Indian English...
... 6. Would be
"I would be coming for the meeting in Malad." [via superstar]
“Would you also care to purchase a copy of "English Grammar for Dummies" on your way?”
It should be "will be", not "would be."
No reason to switch the two, even to sound polite.
... 9. Don’t eat my brains
One of those colloquialisms we love to use in times of irritation.
"Eat my head" is another variation.
While your dietary choices are your own, I would like to point out that Mumbai has some excellent goat brain on offer, should you decide not to take up the challenge above ...
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