Rites for your stand-up
A group of researchers is looking into how much liquor it takes to get a fish drunk -- for us, everybody. I don't know how that's supposed to help us. And how do you know when the fish is drunk? Does it try to hump fat fish?
I don't even like that word, 'homeless.' I think it's negative; I think it stereotypes people. Instead of that, I prefer 'dirty American.' I don't like the word 'hippie' either. 'Hippie' -- kind of the same thing, you know. It pigeonholes people to fit a certain demographic. 'Hippie': terrible word. Instead of that, I prefer 'dirty American.' And I don't like that word 'Mexican,' either. I prefer 'Latino.'
I do think this country is very hesitant to elect a black president because of that old saying, 'Once you go black, you never go back.' And I think we're hesitant to elect a woman president because of the even older saying, 'A woman could never be president.'
I heard in self-defense classes they'll teach people, if you're ever being attacked, you're never supposed to yell, 'Help.' You've heard that, right? You know you're supposed to yell, 'Fire.' And I think that is stupid. What if the guy's holding a gun?
I think the homeless have it pretty good because 98% of deadly accidents happen inside the home.
I got into an argument with this pro-life person about abortion. And she said, 'Well Ryan, what if Jesus had been an abortion?' Well then, he would have died for our sins sooner and the crosses would be smaller.
I saw an advertisement; it said: 'If animals could talk, we'd all be vegetarians.' Oh, isn't that cute? Too bad that's not true, right? I think if animals could talk they would tell us which other animals taste frigging great.
I'm into the positives and negatives of words, you know what I mean? Like I'll say this: the United States Constitution, I think, is negative. It's right there: con-stitution, 'con.' You know what's positive? Prostitution. Let's get into that, everybody.
A new study shows that young girls' math scores are now equal to that of young boys' for the first time in American history. I thought that was great until I read on in the article. Turns out a woman did the study -- there's no way the numbers could be right. All I'm saying is, if she's old enough to conduct a study, chances are she was educated during the regime when the math scores weren't too good.
Comments
Post a Comment