Master Baker, On Purple and Golden Ponder, Lassie on the Chassis, Round at Both Ends and Fry in the Middle, The Screw Deal, &c.
- Get link
- X
- Other Apps
ScottWe gotta he-style Easy Bake Ovens
Bust-'em kitchens to batter hes
We gotta butch these refrig-him-ators
We gotta black-stripe color TV's
ScottI too would love to spike her end zone, if you know what I mean, if my ball weren't so prone to deflation. But I'd happily settle for beating her spread.
ScottThe cup holders now double as water dishes, the ashtray is stuffed with Milk Bones, the CD player runs old episodes of Lassie, the glove box holds both car registration and proof of rabies vaccine, barking into a wireless Bluefang mike replaces hitting the horn - and when a male-dog driver sees a female with heated seats driving ahead of him he floors it and rear-ends her until the Jowls of Life and a firehose-wielding Dalmation arrive to separate them.
WhitegorillaDude that was good and all but I think you have too much time on your hands. Thanx for the good laugh though.
Scott"Ohio death row inmate Ronald Post is so fat" - story
Johnny (swipes index finger above upper lip): Ohio death row inmate Ronald Post is so fat ...
Audience: HOW.FAT.IS.HE?
Ed (atomizing Gilbey's from mouth in gaseous form): HOHOHO!!!
Johnny: He is so fat, that his executioners won't be able to find veins in his arms or legs for the lethal injection, and he might even break the death chamber gurney, his lawyers say.
*Laughter, applause*.
Ed: YES!!! TOUGHEN UP THAT GURNEY, FIND THOSE VEINS AND SQUEEZE AWAY!!! ... And now, Budweiser salutes our nation's men and women in Corrections uniforms - but first, Shep here, who we've kept hungry for six days now, is going to show us why dogs just go crazy for the great aged-in-oak-barrels taste of Alpo ...
... The movie centers on Daisy Suckley (Laura Linney), a distant cousin of the president, who gets invited by FDR's mother to stop by his country estate in upstate New York and help take his mind off the stresses of his job ... He has many [mistresses], including his personal secretary Missy LeHand (played by Elizabeth Marvel) ...
ScottRoosevelt's ladies liked to refer to their trysts as Fireside Shags - though his mood swings over the work-then-vacation cycle led them to complain about his FDR. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Park personality.
Lovely One JonesWe Christians can tell you that FDR was an amazing man and incredible Christian. Only a Christian could win the most prestigeous job in the world 4 times in a row. Only a Christian could save us from the Hoover depression. Only a Christian could defeat Hitler. He is considered the greatest president to ever live (not bad since he's better than Washington or Lincoln), he was an intriguing and exotic president that no one ever equaled before or since. Needless to say, he obviously sits at the right hand of the Father with Christ as we Christians believe.
'Lincoln' Cussing: What the F@*&! Is Up With This S#@?!
ScottDid Lincoln cuss?
"Is it just me - or is this !@#$ing play really starting to su-..."
From the "Lincoln Looks at Nixon - and Obama" penny sold in plastic capsules for 25c in machines next to the electric rocking-horse in the KMart vestibule in the near future, I hope:
In 1865, the White House was driven from Ford's by Booth.
In 1974, a Ford was driven into the White House by untruth.
Nixon sent American troops to a civil war in Vietnam.
Lincoln sent American troops to a civil war at Antietam.
Lincoln first grew his trademark beard after a suggestion from a young woman was delivered to him.
Nixon first sported his signature five o'clock shadow after a young woman delivered him.
In 1862, Southern rebels in stylish threads wed to a party whose mascot was a donkey yelled "Yeehaw!"
In 1972, Southern revels included the watching at parties of *Hee Haw*, a show whose mascot was a donkey.
In 2012, Southern rebels against a party whose mascot was a donkey often yelled unstylishly in threads, and watched shows, at Yahoo!
- Associated Press - FILE - This May 30, 2012 file photo shows Illinois state Sen. Donne Trotter, D-Chicago, at the State Capitol in Springfield, Ill. The Cook County State's Attorney's office said Wednesday, Dec. 5, 2012, that Trotter has been charged with a felony for allegedly trying to board an aircraft with a weapon. (AP Photo/Seth Perlman, File)
ScottThank heaven he wasn't trying to board the plane with his recipe for the 11 secret herbs and spices. And I assumed even before the gun incident that he'd just have to have had an at least semi-automatic beef with the usual in-flight rubber chicken, which I also assume he was planning on shooting with rubber bullets. First journo to break the story would have snagged a Pullet Surprise.
Maine police: Man says prostitute owes 10 minutes
Associated Press – Wed, Dec 5, 2012OLD ORCHARD BEACH, Maine (AP) — Police in Maine say a man called them to complain a prostitute hadn't given him his money's worth — so they arrested him.Police say New Hampshire resident Scott Pipher was arrested this week. The 34-year-old is charged with engaging a prostitute.New Hampshire's The Portsmouth Herald newspaper (http://bit.ly/TFV8Ox ) reported Wednesday the police investigation started in the spring.Old Orchard Beach, Maine, police say Pipher called them March 25 to complain a woman he'd hired "shorted him by 10 minutes."Police say their investigation also led to the arrests of two women believed to be prostitutes contacted by Pipher through a website.Pipher is scheduled to be arraigned in Maine District Court in Biddeford next week. Telephone calls to numbers listed for him in Portsmouth, N.H., have gone unanswered.
ScottI wonder if the missing 10 minutes were for nights and weekends only - or were they Anygoodtime minutes? He probably got one of those cheaper prelaid, I mean prepaid, sperm-cellular plans.
Cop who sodomized Abner Louima marries Staten Island womanThis loving couple, an inmate and his soulmate, was registered with the federal Bureau of Prisons. Justin Volpe, the rogue cop who infamously sodomized Abner Louima with a broomstick inside a Brooklyn police station in 1997, married a Staten Island woman earlier this year in a Florida prison ceremony, the Daily News has learned ...[entire news story is mis-formatted as one long run-on paragraph - with all punctuation replaced by question marks, defects roundly ridiculed by commenters]
ScottReturn with us now to Volpe?s heartfelt proposal? ?Do you mind broomsticks with your bedknobs?? ?No? ?Will you marry me? ?Yes, as long as you let me sweep the floor ?before? we make ?love??
Scott"[Tiffany] Hartford told police she aspired to be a porn star before she got pregnant"
If that name bombs among fans of loca-porn in her ho(me) state, she can always try "Bridget Port" or "Nora Walk" or "Mysti C. Seaport". I'm sure her co-stars the Ton Brothers - Wes and Wil - along with "Dan Bury", will, with or without bananas in their pockets, be more than happy to see her and raise themselves as they poker in the kitty.
ScottGeorge Costanza's mom caught him once self-filibustering. Then he and Jerry and Kramer and Elaine had a contest to so abstain, with Kramer passing his own backed-up legislation - call it a handbill - at the last after seeing a naked woman in her windows across the street.
ScottThe Arthur "Street Singer" Tracy of the Krakow nursery set.
[after Richard Tauber singing "Girls Were Made to Love and Kiss" from Franz Lehar's *Paganini*]
♫ YouTubes post to love or diss
But who are we to interfere with *this*? ♫
ScottNow if only my favorite Swedish massage parl-, er, studio would make the same mistake and set me to stroking and slapping at the hands of five Helgas rather than just one - oh, what the heck, these days I'll even settle for a Sven or a Bjorn or three.
ScottThat reminds me of the final time *I* sat on Santa's lap. "What would you like to talk about, son?" he asked. "The first thing that pops up" I said - "and stop calling me 'son' - I'm 50, after all, and *you're* *my* son." As the curtain then dropped on our annual Christmas pageant for the kids at the Juvenile Detention center, and then rose again to reveal Santa now with only my empty pink tutu on his lap, there wasn't a dry eye in the house, especially at the end of each row next to the ushers doing the slicing on Free Onion Night.
Rocky RideI caught two men having oral sex in the sauna where I work. It was steamed so they weren't visible until I was halfway in. I'm still in shock over that.
Rocky RideI told management and now they are barred and membership stripped. They are barred from ever being members again.
Scott(after the Monty Python sketch about "Ken Shabby")
Girlfriend's father: And what do you do for a living?
Shabby: I clean the benches at gay bath houses.
Gf: Is there advancement there?
Shabby: Oh, yeah - after five years, they give me a brush and a bucket and soap and hot water.
Rocky RideIt was really gross and they looked like sticks with bark. Maybe they had a disease that made them so nasty and thin. Not sure but they were making moaning noises where everyone could hear them. NASTY
CokeMessiah, I think he asked if there was room for one more. Both of them shouted out, "Hell Yeah!".
SLSo you said they were making moaning noises where everyone can hear them and so you decided to go check them out...halfway..you nasty you..
RussGod dam! how long were you in there with them? you have tons of detail. I would caught one hint and been out the efin door.
- Get link
- X
- Other Apps
Comments
Post a Comment