Headmastur, or, Everybody Knows That Strokin' Ain't Allowed In School

On Sat, Mar 23, 2013 at 10:06 AM, A federal attorney wrote:

Name of school is funny.  Suggests that when kids graduate and go to college, they will be ready to do the mental masturbation required in higher education.

http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/front-range/aurora/aurora-substitute-teacher-caught-masturbating-in-class

AURORA, Colo. - A substitute teacher at Aurora West College Prep Academy 

I'm ... Auroring with laughter already.

has been arrested, accused of masturbating in a special needs classroom, 7NEWS confirmed.

He probably heard, while growing up, his mom say to his older sister before her wedding, "Now, dear, a man has 'special needs' ...", and had a flashback. As to just how 7NEWS "confirmed" said wanking, we don't need to know.

There were at least boys in the classroom when the incident occurred at 2 p.m. Thursday.

Thank heaven "there were at least boys" present. Had the classroom been all girls, the cause of solo-sex - er, single-sex - education would have been set back by decades at one ... stroke.

Jonathan Ogungbenle, 57, was caught in the act and confronted.

The Long ... Arm of the Law - it always gets its manhood. His new nickname, Goodwank Jonathan, is awaiting approval from the Nigerian government.

The students said they noticed Ogungbenle's right hand on the desk, while his left hand was underneath the desk moving "up and down," according to Aurora police. The students also reported hearing a "popping sound" and seeing the keys around his neck move up and down.

His alibi, continuing what legal scholars will call the "Substitute Defense": "I know it must have looked like what you think, but - 'the simple things you see are all complicated/I did some things but not masturbated, no'"

There were two students and an aide in the classroom while the substitute teacher was masturbating at his desk. One of the students is a 6th grader, the other a 7th grader.

Q. Can you catch AIDS masturbating?

A. Sure, son, but they usually wait till the substitute teacher takes his turn first.

The students told 7NEWS they saw what was happening and hid behind a computer until the bell rang and they told an adult.

While making sure not to look too closely at the monitor, no doubt.

When police arrived at the school, Ogungbenle was being held by administrators in the front office.

After that holding of his own that required those administrators in the first place.

Ogungbenle was charged with indecent exposure for showing his genitals.

He may claim that it was all part of Showin' Tell, and that he likes to refer to his member as Tell.

The students said the incident lasted about 7 minutes before someone stopped the substitute teacher.

No instance of the Squeeze Technique was ever so memorable - or, in the age of the actionable - and broadly defined - "peanut" allergy, so necessary.

The Aurora Public School District confirms there was an incident at the school Thursday involving a substitute teacher. The district said it notified all parents of the school via their electronic notification system, 

Those parents with active pop-up blockers were, alas, the last to find out.

according to Paula Hans, spokeswoman for the district.

The full statement from APS said:

"A substitute teacher is being investigated for an alleged inappropriate act while in a classroom at Aurora West College Preparatory Academy. We are working closely with the Aurora Police Department as they investigate this allegation. We immediately notified the parents of the two students who were in the classroom at the time of this alleged incident. We also contacted all AWCPA parents to assure them that this teacher has been removed from our substitute teacher list 

I gather that when an officer from the AWCPA shows up to remove such a teacher, he is wielding a large net.

during the police investigation. The Colorado Department of Education has also been notified. The safety of our students and staff in Aurora Public Schools is a top priority."

The district is rumored to have doubled its annual budget for disposable shop-class goggles.

The Arapahoe County Jail has confirmed Ogungbenle was booked for indecent exposure. He is being held on $1,750 bond. 

Ian Dury just called from the afterlife - he wants his Rhythm Stick back ...

On Sat, Mar 23, 2013 at 2:53 PM, A federal attorney wrote:

Thanks Scott for your analysis.  It was almost as good as the reporting, which 7 news collected first hand.

Hey, I'm always willing to, as Melissa Manchester sang in a song titled, fittingly enough, "Midnight Blue", "give my hand to a friend" - the free one, anyway, what with all the ... blogging, as I like to call it. Though I am first to admit that, had the substitute teacher been me and the cameras been a-rolling, the 7NEWS team might have measured itself a bit too high up the dial for a story of such modest dimensions, and concluded that perhaps 2NEWS* was the team over to which the story was best ... handed.

That's my story and I'm ... quite attached to it.

On Sat, Mar 23, 2013 at 8:05 PM, A federal attorney wrote:

We can only hope that when this story is on 7 news at 10:00 tonight there is no attempt to show a reenactment.  At least the incident involved a substitute teacher.  God only knows what a fully tenured public school teacher would accomplish.  

He'd probably have had his pet student clap his ... pointer between a pair of chalky erasers, and make the demonstration the subject of an essay question. Or, pointing on his lap to one of the apples given to him by his students, note the worm emerging from the top of it for a pop biology lecture to open their upcoming lab section dissecting earthworms. 

*Speaking of Channel 2 (WCBS New York, of course; click for stills):

CBS-TV ... hired fledgling comedian Dick Van Dyke to host the first network prime-time cartoon show, The CBS Cartoon Theater, for a three month, 13-episode run from June 13, 1956 through September 5, 1956. 

  

This series, like Barker Bill, originated from WCBS-TV in New York. The show was set in Van Dyke's living room, where he chatted with the Terrytoons characters, who then responded using stock film clips. On the first episode, Van Dyke was trapped by Heckle and Jeckle and also carried on a conversation with Little Roquefort.