Fwd: This Month's Episode of 'WWUSB (What Would Uncle Scott Buy)?': Loco for Cocoa Nuts


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Hi, D.S. "Uncle Scott" Lahti here: you may know me from Gmail, Wikipedia, the TLS,

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the USPS, or perhaps Blair ❤️s Michael, whose scripts I, in my capacity as Head Senser (all six of 'em) at USN (The Uncle Scott Network) approve for release into human populations.

I can't tell you how many times that, while browsing the virtual aisles at Walmart.com for home delivery, I have been approached via text message by one awe-struck fan and fellow shopper after another, asking, "WWUSB (What Would Uncle Scott Buy) in the way of [insert food or gadget here]?"

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Many's the time when I have had to respond to such a plaintive, heart-tugging inquiry with, e.g., "Dear Mrs. Wilson - and by the way, Happy 100th Birthday, my sweet little niece: in a world and a species in which it is indeed possible for a man to be younger than his niece, I am no end flattered by your kindly calling me 'Uncle', your girlhood memories of President Coolidge, Lucky Lindy and your bathtub-gin-guzzling flapper aunties, most older presumably than your surviving 1962 (or so he was told) uncle, notwithstanding -

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it is by happiest coincidence that in your zeroing in with your consumer query this week on the Nuts aisle, a precinct whose desk sergeant might claim Uncle as a regular for reasons more than dietary (and cue that immemorial thigh-slapper "show her you[']r[e] nuts!"), you have landed on the marquee item from among the Very Special Items in this week's Walmart Home Delivery:

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(dons headphones to mask deafening crunches) You may recall my inveterate and premier screening tool for choosing such items at consumer web sites - the percent of customer reviews that grant the full five stars (more reliable than the Average review on a five-point scale, easily thrown off by even a few one-star item-content-free "reviews" complaining about, e.g., the rain-soaked delivery), with a score of c. 80% or more compelling further investigation. Deez, I mean these, nuts, will from the first handful at your kitchen pantry find you loco for cocoa nuts, and wholly deserving of their whopping 86% 5-star quotient.

Thanks again for your discerning inquiry, Mrs. Wilson, my dear niece: and here's looking forward to your 101st, same time, next year, in Jerusalem or out.

Your ever-avuncular influencer,

D.S. "Uncle Scott" Lahti (DSL.)

Author, Uncle Scott's Guide to Women for Men from 2 to 6 (Inches)

Uncle Scott Talks to At-Risk Youth and the Parents and Teachers Who Put Them There

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The Men From: (and the Women To:) U.N.C.L.E. S.C.O.T.T.: Forwarded Secret Messages from the Spy Days on My Mind of My Espion Age

If I Don't Grow Up, I Want to Be Just Like You: A (Man-)Child's Letters to Uncle Scott

Uncle Scott After Dark: Introducing the 25" Milliard Tri-Folding Floor Mattress

Let the Reader Be Embarrassed for You: Uncle Scott's Guide to Writing Oblivious and, in Olden Days, Totally Hammered, Gmails

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